TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for ancient tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be incredible. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely away from place. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable h2o. But Certainly, positive, let's have Yet another spot in which American Males can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: give Everybody a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It can be that he must cease making use of it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the venture, replied, "You know, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping types an enormous Trump head obvious from space, a characteristic becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after locating the making's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Capabilities


Probably the strangest component from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is previously attracting attention from Worldwide traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may also involve:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to discover a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge exactly where my PTSD may have convert-down company."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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